from now on my penis is your penis
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
