Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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