seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My ATM looks so different sober.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
