you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
