i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
