I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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