Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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