Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
