"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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