I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
