I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
