Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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