i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
