So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
