so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
