Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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