Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
