Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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