Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
