I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
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