I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We have started to decorate penises.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
