He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
