It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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