I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
