There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
