bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Randomize
