So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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