watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
