I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
