I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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