Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
