need another drink. this is the easiest way
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
