I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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