I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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