im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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