I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
