I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
