and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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