How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
