Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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