Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
