I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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