mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
