she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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