he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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