My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Boobs speak an international language.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
we should paint friendship bongs
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