i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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