we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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