i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
