There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just invented taco cereal.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
