I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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