Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
