That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
