You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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